from my Red Tent
Up until this moment living with PMDD has been ....
Two weeks of heaven, two weeks of hell. Its like half of the time I’m wrapped in a sweet dreamy haze of love and light with euphoric feelings of elation and then the other half my evil twin arrives.
I bleed every 20 to 25 days ...
I do not like or wish to own or identify with the label however the truth of it is that It is what it is and trust me I’ve been to many many Dr’s, Healer’s, Naturopaths, Specialists looking for answers.
You see for half of my very short cycle I’m positive compassionate generous fun loving inspired spirit. All lovely light positive aspects of myself that I accept joyfully.
Each cycle I forget, I’ve just recovered and discovered a new version of myself, all love and light glowing and clear.
I forget that I’m on the swing and that my happiness will soon be enveloped by the depths as I descend back into the shadow.
It comes in waves. Im weeping with overwhelming sorrow and can barley function one moment, the next moment I want to destroy everything around me, I’m talking smash shit up as well as fuck up relationships, anything that I care about I want to burn to the ground.
This is what hurts me the most, I have no control and the venom I want to spit builds up until I explode and or implode into a irrational emotional mess who is terrified she’s hurt someone she loves beyond repair.
Just when I’m feeling good on top of life experiencing satisfaction and feeling like a queen the cycle starts again.
It’s tough work, it’s messy, downright brutal.
I’m always optimistic, in hope that it was the last time I’d either bleed or go back to the dark places I visit, I’m in a rose coloured glasses wearing world of denial.
I was always shy of wise women’s, let’s connect to our moon cups, dancing shakti goddess woo woo retreats and felt looking for ways to fully accept and love all of the parts of myself the light and the shadow wasn’t for me.
The shadow being so unlovable I wouldn’t dare to try.
Up until this moment ......
I can now see the sacredness of bleeding and absolutely respect wisdom circles, ancient women’s mythology and the practice of journaling along with using a moon dial. Deep transformation happens when doing this work.
Through connecting to my moon cycle and honouring myself with rest, patience compassion, kindness I have found a place of total surrender.
Surrendering into stillness I have finally some answers,
For me the truth is that I have struggled so much that from the depth of the darkness that I could see no way out or how this could even be a beautiful nurturing nourishing time.
In the past I’ve used medications, herbs, numbing myself, nothing worked.
Up until this moment .....
Each month I am clearing deep wounds, ancestral and past life wounds. shedding, cleansing, accepting myself again and again. Each time gaining a deeper understanding of my past life stories that need feeling, honouring, releasing and transforming through love.
Everything I believe about myself, all fears, self doubt, and insecurities I surrender, I hand over to be transformed by love.
Allowing love to flow through me, I open my heart.
I surrender fully deeply and completely.
Out of this melancholy comes creation.
I am a Wise Woman, I Bleed